Meet Jen

Jennifer Laxmi is a Product Manager at Square and a lifestyle blogger. She has an almost two year old and is pregnant again after the loss of her twin boys this year. This is her story of pregnancy, loss and pregnancy after loss. 

My daughter Reya was 1 and my husband and I found a month after her birthday that I was pregnant. It was unplanned, which was stressful but then we found out we were having twins which was exciting but even more stressful. This is not what we could ever imagine for our pregnancy journey. 

Prognosis 

We learned the twins were Mono/diamniotic. This means they are high risk because they share the same placenta. I was already having breakdowns at appointments. I wanted to be happy and excited but the pregnancy symptoms were so difficult. I had pregnancy rhinitis and didn’t really feel like myself until 14-15 weeks into my pregnancy. Just as I was starting to feel like myself we learned that our babies had twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS). This is a condition that occurs when the babies share a placenta and uneven blood flow occurs through their blood vessels. One baby is giving too much (donor) while the other is receiving too much (recipient). We learned they had stage 3 TTTS. 

Treatment

There are only 10 centers in the United States that are able to perform Laser Fetal Surgery that was needed to save their lives. We picked the one in Houston, TX. We flew there the night of. I started reading articles and googling survival rates. We were sad this was happening but felt so much hope that there was a solution, as rare as it was. But they didn’t get a chance to perform the surgery, the twins had passed away the night before. As the technician was performing the ultrasound I had a feeling something was wrong, she just didn’t say anything. I know it’s not uncommon for that to happen but I had a feeling. The Doctor came in, looked for heartbeats, and couldn’t find any.  He told us that Baby A had passed away and for a split second we thought Baby B survived, until he gave us the unfortunate news that Baby B had passed as well. We carried so much hope through that day of travel and arriving at the center and it was all gone.

Delivery 

The recommended route was to deliver the babies, so we flew home to Atlanta the next day. I had experienced the joy of going to deliver my first daughter and knowing how positive of an experience that was, having to do it now under such different circumstances was the hardest part.

The delivery was pretty traumatic. It’s normal to check in for a delivery and give the nurses and doctors basic information. So when they asked how far along am I and I said 16 weeks, you could see the look on their faces. They knew exactly why I was there. I struggled every moment not to cry. I was warned of complications should surgery be required. I couldn’t eat or drink, so I threw up 10-12 times throughout the labor because of my suppressed appetite and because of the morphine I was given. Despite it all, it felt a bit cathartic that I was able to deliver my babies, that I was still able to bring them into this world. 

Having my husband there and having gone through this together and knowing we could deal with it together was so important to me. 

Recovery

I wasn’t too emotional when I was going through the delivery, but that was because I wanted to get back home to Reya. I found it in me somehow to push through. 

However, I wasn’t prepared for what happened afterwards. My dramatic mood swings, I didn’t expect it. But more things happen that we often don’t hear about it, like the way our bodies try to produce milk. What was more challenging was coming home and seeing my family. In one way it was a blessing to know that Reya was taken care of and someone was always around to help, but at the same time it did put some pressure on me because I wasn’t ready to talk about it. 

The hardest thing is that I felt disconnected from Reya because I couldn’t provide her with the care and attention.

Community

I found support through a number of different outlets. I leaned on my mom to let it out once in a while when the waves of emotions would come. 

I have never experienced an outpouring of love and support as I did from this. Old co-workers, current co-workers and friends sent flowers and even just Uber Eats cards. It sounds so simple but seeing all the flowers around me was a reminder of the love and support I had. It meant so much. So many people reached out and said kind things about me, which you don’t hear day to day but it was so great to hear that. I needed to hear them I guess. 

My best friend made a book of our memories and just reminded me of the good times in life and that helped. I got things like foot lotion and house slippers; when I see them to this day, I feel loved and supported. 

I chose to share this with friends because I shared the news of my pregnancy, but I probably would have shared it regardless. It was beneficial for me. It made me realize how alone some other mothers could have felt. I had mothers and even family members reach out to me who had gone through this and never talked about it, and I am still in touch with them. We have this mini silent network in which each of us have gone through something equally or more devastating with their child. Some felt it was taboo and some chose not to share it. 

I joined grief forums on Facebook and that was helpful. I felt the most supported when I could talk to someone who could say “I know what you are going through.”

Pregnancy After Loss

It was my choice to try again. We didn’t expect to have another kid so soon. But I didn’t realize how empty I felt after that loss and how much I wanted to be pregnant again. I am not jealous of other women who are pregnant, but I was pregnant with a few other friends of mine and I felt like I had nothing while they got their happy journeys and babies. I was desperate to be pregnant again, and bring life into this world. 

That introduced me to another community - a community of women who were trying to conceive. I am lucky that I could try again and I didn’t have fertility issues.

I wanted to feel that love again not to erase the memory of the boys. We got attached to the idea to grow our family. This was a step in the direction to reach happiness. I was lucky to get pregnant so soon after. 

Being pregnant after a loss - you are constantly torn that you want to celebrate but this fear that it could happen again. It’s an anxiety-ridden journey. It might get better week by week but in some ways that feeling of relief may not come until well after the birth. I am weary of those things.

—

My hope for  sharing Jen’s story is to shine light on the strength women have to endure life, loss and life again but too also bring into focus things we don’t always want to talk about. You are not alone.